Life could be better. A lot better. But, as a friend recently told me, it could also be worse. So, I need to be appreciative for what I do have, and working day by day to make things better. That is definitely worth fighting for.

Day to day

I'm depressed a lot. Everybody only has so much time to spend with me, they have their own lives. Even my ex doesn't cheer me up always, sometimes she depresses me, but I think it's because she's somewhat depressed herself. And from what she told me about her life, I don't blame her.

I'm in some kind of hole that seems really hard to get out of. Somehow, I've got to dig my way out of this. But how to do it. That is always the question. I do know one thing that will help, that has a good probability of helping. But I haven't been able to get myself to do it. My time is running out. I never know how long I have. I have to find a way to get myself to do it. And fast.

I am the one who is going to get myself out of this. No one else is or can even do it for me. There certainly are worse situations to be in. So I shouldn't feel that bad. It could be better, of course. But I've got to work with what I've got. Too much time in my room. Too much time in the dark. I've done it to myself. But sometimes, I don't know what else to do. No one really reads this anyway. But it's really for me anyway, I suppose. Reflecting on my own thoughts.

Watching Movies

You watch a movie and think that you can be the hero. You feel alive, like you're really doing something important, experiencing the moment through the main character of the movie. The reality is, you're doing nothing, just sitting there, watching other people perform on your screen. If you want to make something of yourself, you have to do something in real life, for yourself first, then for others.

Monotony

Every day is the same. Nothing ever changes. Things need to change, and they need to change fast, because this lifestyle isn't going to last. How then does one really make a meaningful change? I think the only way is by throwing oneself into something radical that could really be beneficial. That's the way I see. Now, I've just got to convince myself to do it. Time is running out. The time is now. I spend way too much time worrying about the past, and the future. I've got to focus on what is the right thing to do in the present. G-d is on my side.

The No Eating Experiment

So my allergies got worse and I got asthma, so I thought, I'll go on a diet, right? I saw one doctor who told me I shouldn't eat any processed foods, meat, etc. So, I did it. And lost 35 pounds. However, I didn't actually feel any better. Why is that?

Well, I know now, it's because I didn't put the right stuff back in. I should have been eating lots of salads and drinking lots of raw vegetable juice. You have to replenish the body with the good stuff, you can't just take away the bad stuff.

So, a little older and a little wiser, now I am going to start putting the good stuff in.

Sleeping Part II

So now I'm on Seroquel and Lithium. I've found that for sleeping this combination works much better. I'm able to get to sleep by 2AM, which is much better than staying up all night. And, as far as I can tell, I don't feel tired the next day. I do feel more irritated, but I look to the clonazapam to help deal with that. So, the experiment continues.